PART TWO: LITTLE RAPE RIDING HOOD

Allow me to preface my preface by submitting for your approval that the term “art fag” is only denigrating towards people who are complete and utter twats.

Now then: allow me to preface my article using an example for why I, William Heironymous Rumplesthwaite Dungsroman III Esq. MD PhD, despise art fags. They ruin everything. Why, they are even trying to ruin gaming, the un-artiest pursuit ever! But I won’t let them! HERE! HERE AND NO FURTHER! NO! NOT TONIGHT! That was Gandalf and Scarface with the guest voice drops, respectively, incidentally, circumstantially, genitourinarily.

Here’s why. Suppose I bust out a jim-jam of a statement like, say:

The Path is nothing more than a rape simulation game!

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PART ONE: LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT’S UNDER MY AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT

I’ll start by being as concise as I can: I TEMPORARILY DID NOT EXIST UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO. After having my wallet stolen by a sidhe following a bungled attempt by yours truly to open a portal to the Emain Ablach (moral of the story: never trust a drunken Tuatha de Danaan no matter how many coeds he enchants for you), I was further discombobulated from the corporeal world when one of the fans on my PC’s motherboard decided to pry itself free and Tarzan swing along its power cable into the RAM sticks and take down the whole burrito in a blazing display of sparks and scorched ozone. Bereft of legal identification and worse yet, my Only One True Love, I drifted alone and cold in a Purgatorial void. Well, really I just drank a lot of beer and took long naps but if that isn’t a post-modern version of the Buddhist Sunyata, well I don’t know what to tell you.

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Howdy. It has been a bit since my last update but that’s because I’ve been busy as all hell. I’m in negotiations with a very high-traffic site for one of my game video column ideas and I’m working on several projects for Crispy Gamer. Soon, my friends, the world will know terror in the form of my new features. More on that later. Let’s get to the good stuff - the worst music video ever.

I have finally done it, friends. I have created my masterpiece. I took the hairspray-laden Guns n’ Roses and combined them with the amazingly baffling Shenmue 2 in order to create a video of such suckitude that I had to end it halfway through.  Why would I want to do that? Hell, I don’t know. I’m searching for truth, friends, I don’t have time to question the where and why. Anyway, here in its full glory is A Day in the Life of Ryo Hazuki! (click link for HD version)

If I had to name the one thing I like most about Dead Space, it would be its innovation.

“But Bill!” one of my readers might say (after taking all the dicks out of his mouth first), “Dead Space doesn’t really do anything innovative! It’s essentially the better parts of Doom 3 mixed into a setting reminiscent of Event Horizon with dashes of System Shock 2 and the Resident Evil games!”

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